Louie's how to build self respect after stigmatization

If you have been stigmatized in any way, remember that sometimes the people stigmatizing us or insulting us are insecure that we may be better than them, smarter, or more talented. Such insecure, jealous types will use anything about a person to tear them down to the their own level of self-worth.

Steps

Consider the source of the stigmatization. Is this person singling you out because of his or her own insecurities and jealousies? If so, get away from the person, because they will do nothing but try to diminish you. The hardest part of doing the separation from who is stigmatizing you is the actual act of leaving and starting.

1. Ask the person to stop, even if the negative characterization of you has some truth to it. Focus instead on your good points, and build on these. It's good to face the truth about yourself in order to make improvements, but this does not have to be done in an abusive and shame-based way.
   
   
2. Flush out any negative feelings you have about yourself. Spend a few days letting yourself feel the horrible shame and stigmatizing feelings, don't stuff them, then bring all of it to the light with prayer, meditation, and caring for oneself well with good nutrition, exercise, and writing, and more writing, your feelings, and anything else that needs to come out.
   
   
3. Get together with friends who support you. Go out and do things you like. Beware: if you party and use drugs or drink, these could exacerbate your negative feelings.
   
   
4. Avoid hanging out with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Many times, when a person gets stigmatized by a friend (not a real friend, that is), others who know the person who stigmatized you could pretend to befriend you, then next you know, they are stabbing you in the back with even worse stigmatizing. Exit any places where you know it's not good for you to be. Don't test the waters, just go.
   
   
5. Reduce your anger. Try writing with paper and pen (not computer), hitting a pillow for anger, eating nutritionally, and spending time with supportive friends whose presence makes you feel better.
   

   Tips

   • Pilates can be practiced at home, away from any 'audiences' of people who may be offending you right now, or who you don't need input from. Try to find one with flashcards and CD's such as 'Brook Silers' pilates program. Brook Siler; The Pilates Body Kit. Scroll down to 'external links' and check for Brook Siler's program.
   • Pilates balls, mats, and other equipment are not necessary in order to work-out with pilates.
     
   • DVD kickbox work-outs: These DVDs can help you build power, as in personal power, not negative power. As you practice the kicks, punches, and exercises in a kickbox work-out, you will feel more confidence and empowered. Right now, what is needed is to feel confident again. Build the kind of power which helps a person to be assertive without having to struggle at it.
     
   • After a workout, relax a little while, then try loading up the blender with a mixture of fruits and vegetables you like. Add flaxseed to it. Flaxseed is full of nutrition, including Omega-3 which helps to reduce cholesterol. Add a small tablespoon of extra-virgin olive oil, yogurt, a teaspoon of vanilla, nuts, and a little sugar. Depending on where your weight is, either make the smoothie with as much calories as you want, or limit the calories by not adding the olive oil or nuts.
     
   • Read books on subjects that are entertaining but not negative. Eliminate pornography, violence, or negativity from the books you read and the TV shows you watch. It's okay to watch some violence and negativity, but don't make a ritual out of it. Sometimes violent movies could help an angry person resolve unresolved rage, but it's not often this helps, and do not make a daily habit of watching violence and negativity.
     
   • Listen to electronica, alternative, classical, and other music that won't completely put you in a violent or negative mode, even if you feel like basking in violent rap or rock, do it for only a little bit, not all day.
     
   
   

   Warnings

   
   
   • Watch out for friends or associates of the person that embarrassed, shamed, or stigmatized you. They may pretend to befriend you in order to find out more information about you in order to shame you further, or they can act nice and then do something mean, or backstab you to the point where you might find it hard to cope.
     
   
   

The Closure Louie Needs.

How to Get Closure

There may be times in our lives when relationships - whether they are romances, friendships, or family ties - hit a bump in the road and seem to fade away, leaving us wondering what happened and why? If it's been a long time and it's clear to you that the relationship is over, but there was no final talk or last goodbye, you might be in need of some closure so that you can move on, and put that relationship behind you.

Steps In Getting Your Closure

Define your loose ends. What is it that lingers in you that prevents you from moving on? What residual emotions are still tying you to this person? Usually it's some form of anger or guilt - anger over what a person did to you, and you don't feel they were held accountable to it, or guilt over what you did (or didn't do) to (or for) someone else, and your resulting sense of regret.

In my case it would be ANGER over this person accusing me of a horrible wrong that he feels I did to him. I am ANGRY that he would even think I would do this ESPECIALLY to someone I care so much about! I also REGRET in the fact that I did say that I did do the act he feels I , and strangely enough every other of his previous partners have done to him. I REGRET saying this with all of my heart as I was in a weak state of mind and body and fed up with being called a LIAR, it stabbed painfully into my heart more so than anyone I have ever been hurt by. I REGRET not standing up to what I BELIEVE and KNOW is the truth. I also REGRET lying to him about this lie for it hurt even more when he believed it. I became ill because I told myself and to him that I would never lie to him and I did just to appease him and the situation. I am TRULY SORRY for this.

1. Forgive. The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loose yourself from that person's ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain. When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing. Hope the best for him or her. The first 15 - or 150 - times you try this, the "blessing" may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate.
   
   I do FORGIVE him for what hurt he has caused me. I truly don't believe he would hurt me purposefully. I FORGIVE him for thinking these thoughts to be true, no matter how hurt I am I do FORGIVE him. All I want is the best for him and if he sees me as a harmful monster to his own self recovery, I must accept this and not try to coerce him into a situation that he does not believe in. I FORGIVE him for not believing in me.
   
   
2. Apologize. If you feel guilt or shame, if you are the one who needs forgiveness, then apologize. But it's not as simple as saying or thinking "I'm sorry." Grab a pen and paper and write a full-blown apology, keeping the following in mind:
   
   • There is no excuse. Do not try to think of or offer one. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. Take full responsibility for what you did.
     
   • Make it a point to avoid using the word "but". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not sorry.")
     
   • Do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended" --it makes it seem like you are blaming the other person for feeling a certain way, and is not a real apology.
     
   • Think about what caused you to make the offense. Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future.
     
     I am sorry for hurting you and being very mean to you both on the phone and via text messaging.
     I am sorry for you hurting for you deserve only the best
     I am sorry that what actions I did do to you such as not communicate properly by returning your calls when I did not have my phone. I should have known to bring it and not leave it where ever for I understand that you dont know what I am doing and its not a question of I am doing whatever you think it is but that I should have known that that action of "just wanting to be alone" even if it were for the best intentions, should have been more thoughtful of your situation.
     I am sorry that we were unable to achieve the basic foundation of any relationship, that being the ability to communicate, the ability to listen, and the ability to trust.
     
     
   
   
3. Have a symbolic ceremony. People still hold funerals for the deceased whose bodies were never found, and you can still have a formal way to say goodbye to relationships that were never resolved. Gather all of the things that remind you of this person and burn them, or donate them to charity. Give a eulogy to the relationship, and say it out loud.
   
   I had put down on my Facebook account...relationship status: Widowed, I recently changed it to Single.
   
   
4. Write a story. Think back to when your relationship with this person began, and document it from beginning to end. This may be very painful, but it will give you a broader perspective. When you get to the final chapter, finish off on a positive note and write "The End". If you're writing in a notebook, close it forcefully, take a deep breath, and put it on a bookshelf. If you wrote on looseleaf papers, fold them, put them in an envelope, and seal it. You may choose to keep the story, or you may choose to shred it or burn it. The very act of documenting your relationship and closing the book, however, will help you find closure emotionally.
   
   I have already written a story that is unpublished from the start to today and with a heavy heart I will complete the last paragraphs and post for my eyes only.
   
   
5. Begin a new chapter. You'll never be able to erase your memory of this person, but you can use the experience to better yourself and to help others. If you wronged someone, resolve never to make the same mistake again, and take it a step further: help others avoid making the same mistake you did. If you were a victim, reach out to other victims, and teach others how to avoid the wrongdoing that you faced. Make the end of your relationship with that person a turning point in your life. Start moving in a new direction.
   
   I have already started the turning point in my life with first my family, work, and incorporating more of the lifestyle I used to lead as a single male living alone. However, I do have a lil celebration birthday to go to today as well as seeing my friends from high school and my god daughters who i miss terribly this weekend. I know the healing has started as I realize with help from close friends that I can only do so much to help someone. The rest would be up to them. I am not stating that they are wrong or that something is not happening on their side or that they are suffering from paranoid delusions, this I am shouting out that I am not saying. Never did I say or believe that this person would lie to me. I do want to say that only through calm communication and the attempt to see the situation through the other persons eyes will there ever be any type of resolution, and I have so tried to do this for him and have asked to let me live it so I can see actually what he sees. I really did want to help. Unfortunately i was unable to do this for us and the next time something like this happens in my next relationship, I will stop to consider his feelings and place myself in their shoes. I will communicate better this next time around
   
   I can not erase the memory of this person as I still love this individual with all my heart. I do forgive, but I CAN NOT FORGET. If I allow this to continue, the cycle will never break and I am actually doing him the harm and I never want to harm this person. That I promise and i promise that if anything were to be salvaged, a friendship or more...i stand to my convictions because I know that they are falsely made and I encourage to be proven wrong because honestly unless there is any proof of wrong doing that i am not aware of...how can I resolve the situation. I still want to work on it, for its hard to just ump 23+ years! I believe in that I know the four letter word...LOVE will conquer this pain that we are both going through! I hope this person knows this and even if I am discarded I accept this for LOVE is about not just one, but both people. I love and respect this person for who they are and for all the hardships he has had to face. I commend him for being a survivor! I wish all the best even at my own hearts cost! My last thought if nothing comes of today...Please try to understand that there actually may be people who won't lie, or swindle or take from or of you because of who they are. I wish you could find someone like that again! I hope that you do not point a finger or make an accusation without talking to the person first. Try to communicate your feelings, make sure they listen and in turn you listen to them as well because if you start out guns firing, it is so hard for the other person to Forgive, if they feel they are being wronged! I is a wound that may never heal...hopefully in time it will.
   

Tips

• Give yourself time to heal. It won't happen overnight.

• Whenever you think of the person, visualize him or her in front of you, then imagine yourself blowing him or her away. Whether they fly away like a dry leaf or scatter like dust in the wind, let them go. Do this every time you find yourself dwelling on the past. [ To clarify this point, this means blowing them away with wind symbolically. Do not picture yourself "blowing this person away" with a shotgun. ]
  
• Having intimate relations with your ex is probably not a good idea.
  
• If you've done a person wrong, find it in your heart to sincerely apologize for your actions towards them. Never do this in hopes of recapturing the other person's love, but merely for the sake of letting them know that you've realized the error of your ways.
  
• If you have just broken up with someone (YOU broke up with THEM, not the other way around), and still feel a bit lost, focus on why you broke up with that person.
  

Warnings

• Avoid distractions or any kind of escapism. Don't submerge yourself in substance abuse, television, or a new relationship. It will only delay your feeling of closure.
  
• In a relationship that's ending, if the person says they need "time" or "space", give it to them, because ultimately you have no choice. Calling or texting or emailing the person does nothing but drive a wedge in their heart, making them feel that you are so self-centered that you still cannot give them their wish. If there is any love left for you, this time apart will help them realize it. The silence will hurt, but ultimately it comes down to two options : They will realize their love and return - OR - they will take this time to move on. At the end of a relationship, those are really the only two options you have.